I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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