So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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