Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
