My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
