Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My pussy is not your playground.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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