y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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