I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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