i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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