I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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