ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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