God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
