I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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