I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
