you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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