Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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