I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
