Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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