So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
