I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
