His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
