You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
