it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
