I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
