I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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