He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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