He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
