I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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