I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
