whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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