I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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