the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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