I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
