I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
