I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
