Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
