If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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