we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
