the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
