I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
