I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
