Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
