I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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