I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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