Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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