moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
