No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
