My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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