Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
