just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
