so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
