Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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