i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
