I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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