My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
