He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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