Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
