I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
false alarm, still single
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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